


Picky Customers

by Weevilo707



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Domestic, House Hunting, M/M, house hunters- the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:56:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weevilo707/pseuds/Weevilo707
Summary: The thing is, Kravitz never actually expected that they would get on the show. When Taako had suggested trying out for House Hunters, he'd laughed and agreed. Still, he expected it to be a joke, even as he played along for the audition tapes. At the very least, he figured they wouldn't actually getpicked.Now he was trying not to look like a complete fool in front of the camera, and he swore they weren't trying to be difficult. They just wanted their new home to be perfect.God, this real estate agent hated them.





	Picky Customers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lieutenantroux](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lieutenantroux/gifts).



The thing is, Kravitz never actually expected them to  _ make it _ onto the show. When he and Taako decided it was finally time for them to buy a house together, he’d laughed and agreed at Taako suggesting they try out for one of those HGTV house hunter shows.

It had been a fun joke to distract from the stress of figuring out how moving worked. He let Taako make up a try out video and everything, and gave his best impression of a successful person who wanted to be on HGTV. It took several takes before Taako had one he was happy with, especially once Kravitz set on doing a ridiculous fake accent that kept making his husband dissolve into a fit of giggles.

He wasn’t taking it seriously, because it hadn’t  _ been _ serious.

He hadn’t realized Taako had actually sent the tapes in until a few weeks later. He’d been sitting in his apartment dining room half-heartedly flipping through some listings when he heard Taako cursing. He’d been spending more and more time over as they tried to find a place to move to.

“Taako? Is everything alright?” he asked, quickly heading to see what was wrong. When he got saw Taako he was doubled over in laughter, some mail open in his hand.

“Krav, babe everything is fucking  _ perfect,”  _ he said, and the tone of voice wasn’t sarcastic but the sincerity scared Kravitz even more.

“Alright, care to tell me what’s going on then?” he asked, and Taako was beaming now. Instead of answering, he held out the paper for Kravitz to take. Reading it over he felt his stomach flip with nerves.

“No.”

“Yep.”

“Taako I don’t- you actually sent those in?” he asked, dumbstruck.

“Of course I did! Why wouldn’t I?” Taako asked back, which was fair. He shouldn’t have doubted him.

“This is going to be a complete disaster.”

“Maybe for you. Cha’ boy was  _ made _ to be on TV,” Taako said with confidence.

The actual set up seemed to be relatively easy. That might have been because Taako had done most of the work though. Still, it went by way too fast, and soon enough Kravitz was being put in front of a camera next to Taako and told to just ‘be himself.’

That shouldn’t have been too hard, except Kravitz kept having to remind himself to use the accent from his audition tape. He’d gotten this far without slipping in his panic. It was the worst thing imaginable and he could not back out of it now. He was in too deep.

“Okay, so we’re going to go over your need list and your want list,” the real estate agent said, smiling at them from across the table. Her name was Halley and he should have watched this show in preparation. He had no idea who she was. It was very difficult for Kravitz not to stare directly into the camera hovering over her shoulder.

“So, for your needs, you’ve listed a five bedroom home in the outer Neverwinter area. A chef kitchen, two and a half bath, ample storage space, modern style with flair, and a budget of $800k,” she listed off. Kravitz was starting to think that maybe he should have been more involved in actually setting things up here.

“Wait, why do we need  _ five _ bedrooms?” Kravitz asked, unintentionally interrupting the agent as she went to start listing the ‘wants.’

“Ours, one for Ango when he’s around, one for other guests, one for the cats and then I figured just a bonus one we could do whatever with,” Taako listed off, like it was obvious.

“The cats don’t need their own room love. They sleep in our bed anyway,” Kravitz said, barely remembering the accent.

“Well maybe I don’t want them sleeping in our bed anymore, how about that?” Taako said, and Kravitz wasn’t able to keep the fond smile off his face.

“Would you like to tell Bramblepelt that to her face?” he asked, and he could see Taako’s resolve crumbling.

“How about I put five bedrooms under your want list, and put four under need?” the Realtor suggested.

“Please do,” he said, and now that they were into this now he felt a little less nervous. “Also, Taako dear, I thought I said that I’d rather look for something older as far as style goes,” he added in. Since they were going over that all now might as well put out all his complaints at once.

“Well  _ maybe _ if you helped with the application you could have had some input,” he said.

“I didn’t know you were serious about this,” Kravitz said, almost slipping out of his accent again. Damn it, he had to stop forgetting that every time he got comfortable.

“Oh? What is your style Kravitz? I’m sure I can find a comfortable blend the both of you will be happy with,” she asked.

“I’d like something a bit older, I like the history aspect of a place. Something with um, a Victorian touch would be lovely,” he said, trying not to feel embarrassed about making that request on TV.

“Perfect, I’m sure we can work with that,” she said, and Taako was pouting now.

“I’m not dealing with a fixer-upper,” he said, and Halley nodded.

“Of course not, now as for your wants list. You’ve requested an open concept, backyard space, a finished basement, carpets, and space for entertaining guests,” she read off.

“We don’t want carpets,” Kravitz said, frowning at that.   

“Uh, yeah we do,” Taako argued.

“Why do you want  _ carpets?  _ They’re so much harder to clean. We have cats,  _ Magnus  _ visits,” Kravitz asked, befuddled.

“My feet get cold, you don’t notice cause you’re always freezing anyway.”

“Just wear socks darling,” Kravitz said, unable to keep the amusement he was feeling out of his voice.

“Uuuugh that’s so much effort. Fine, we don’t  _ need _ carpets,” Taako relented, “but you better be prepare to carry me in the winter handsome.”

“Of course.”

“Alright, we’ll just change that,” the Realtor said, and Kravitz could feel her fairly well concealed annoyance at all the changes. She probably already had several houses picked out and would have to go back to the drawing board. Whoops. “Is that all?” she asked, and the polite thing would have been to say yes.

“Oh, we’ll need an office for Taako,” was his response instead.

“I don’t need an office, nerds like you and Barold have offices. I’m not an old dad,” Taako argued.

“Wait, is that why you asked for the fifth bedroom? So you could have an office without it being official?” Kravitz asked, smiling in amusement now.

“No, shut up,” Taako pouted.

“We’d like an office space as well please,” Kravitz repeated, a grin in his voice.

“Not a problem,” Halley said, making more notes on her paper before standing up. Kravitz had nearly forgotten the cameras and their movement surprised him. “Well, I’ll take this and contact you in a few days with some options,” she added.

It ended up being closer to a week before they were back out with the realtor, cameras around again as they pulled up in front of the first house.

“The areas nice,” Kravitz said, because he was pretty sure you were supposed to comment on that stuff when you walked up to the house.

“Yeah, but the neighbors are close as fuck. Cha’ boy needs some privacy,” Taako said.

“Please, again, try to refrain from cursing,” one of the off screen crew commented, and Kravitz had to try not to laugh.

“Shit, I mean-  _ fuck! _ Damn it, sorry. Take uuh something. Yeah, nice area, the neighbors are so close though. Cha boy needs his privacy,” Taako said, and it was all Kravitz could do to nod along and not burst out laughing.

Walking into the house, the entryway seemed bright and open, and Kravitz sighed in relief at the lack of carpets. He listened as the realtor started going on about the house as she led them further in, it was a modern build but ‘historically inspired.’

“Living room’s a little small,” Taako muttered and Kravitz nodded in agreement.

“Fireplace is nice though,” Kravitz said, and he could see the historical inspiration in it. He was liking it until he got close. “Wait, is this not real?” he asked, Taako coming up beside him.

“It’s an electrical fireplace. You’ll still get all of the benefits without any of the hassle,” Halley said, and Kravitz wasn’t surprised when Taako started shaking his head.

“Lup will fuc-aaah flip, Lup’ll  _ flip _ if we get a fake fireplace. That’s such a waste of fire opportunities,” he said. Leaving the living room they headed to the dining area, and Kravitz was already frowning before they were in the room. The open concept let him see the area rather well after all.

“This color is terrible,” he said, and Taako snorted at that.

“We can paint my dude.”

“But it’s just, it’s  _ so bad,”  _ he said, Taako laughing now. He was right though, they could paint, and there wasn’t much else to complain about there. Nothing to really praise either. Both of those things changed when they entered the kitchen.

“Now  _ this _ is what I’m talking about,” Taako said, immediately moving through the kitchen like a whirlwind. Kravitz could see the camera having difficulty keeping itself trained on him.

“This part’s all you,” he said, standing as out of the way as possible. Halley seemed to get the picture, also standing back as she listed off some of the features of the kitchen. Taako nodded along, making the vague positive or negative noise here and there.

“I could work with this,” he said finally, although Kravitz knew that wasn’t necessarily a compliment. Taako could work with the worst appliances and conditions and still turn out a delicious meal. “Not ideal, but I  _ could,” _ he added, and yep, didn’t seem to quite meet his dream kitchen standards.

“Oh? What would be better?” Halley asked, and Kravitz was starting to feel a little bad for her.

“Well, I mean,” Taako said, in that voice that Kravitz knew meant he was about to go on a laundry list of complaints. “The double over is fine but they’re a little too small individually, there’s nowhere near enough upper storage space, the L shaped island is in a clunky spot to move around easily and are we really going with  _ brass _ accessories?” 

“I see,” the realtor said, and she was still doing a good job of masking her annoyance.

“Let’s look at the rest of the house darling,” Kravitz suggested. They were led away from the kitchen with that, and the rest of the tour ended up going in a similar fashion. Kravitz liked to think they weren’t being unreasonable, after all this was only the first house. It was important to point out if the guest rooms were a bit too small or if the master bathroom was unbearably cold. That way they could have a better idea of what to look for with the next one.

The next house they ended up seeing after that one was a bit better on the inside. The area was edging too far away from where Barry and Lup lived though, and it wasn’t  _ quite _ good enough to justify moving that far.

The house after that was too old fashioned for Taako’s taste, and the next one too modern for Kravitz’s.

Kravitz knew that they saw lots of houses on these shows and then edited it down to the three or so best for the episode. It still seemed like they were starting to get up into the higher end of how many homes they’d been to and summarily rejected.

They just wanted everything to be perfect though.

That, and Kravitz was pretty sure Taako was trying to see how long they could push this for. That, or he was trying to eternally lock Kravitz into keeping up that ridiculous accent as payback for some great grievance.

They’d been going at this for a while now though, and Kravitz was pretty sure it was starting to get ridiculous.

“So, what do you think?” Halley asked as they exited the latest home.

“It just wasn’t…” Kravitz trailed off, trying to put his thoughts into words.

“Right,” Taako filled in, and he nodded in agreement. He couldn’t blame the realtor for not being able to contain her sigh of frustration.

“Alight then, back to the drawing board,” she said, trying to keep a chipper tone to her voice. It came out a bit more false than normal. Heading back to the apartment it was frustrating. It had started fun of course, even if Kravitz felt like he was terrible in front of the camera whenever he remembered they were there. Damn stage fright.

“Maybe we’re being too picky. Are we being too picky?” Taako asked, and Kravitz shrugged.

“I mean, probably,” he said with a laugh, getting Taako to chuckle as well. “I’m sure they’ll be able to find something though, and if not there’s been a few that weren’t  _ too  _ bad,” he added.

“Yeah, I guess we could make due, do a bit of renovation if we  _ have  _ to,” Taako relented.

Kravitz wasn’t sure why he still bothered to look through the listings. The realtor tended to find the good ones much faster after all, most of the ones he found were out of the question without even looking in person.

Maybe it was because he was annoyed at how long this was taking. He wanted to feel like he was doing  _ something _ to help it move along. Whatever it was, as he clicked through different listings online, he ended up pausing over a new one. Flipping through the pictures of the completely renovated historical two story home, he was honestly kind of interested.

“Hey Taako, come tell me what you think of this,” he called. Taako headed over from where he was cooking in the cramped kitchen, and Kravitz turned the laptop around for him to see. At first he had a look of amusement on his face. Most of the time Kravitz only called him over to look at the quite horrendous homes he’d found.

As he flipped through the pictures though, his expression slowly shifted into one of intrigue.

“Shit, that’s not bad. Like, I’d want to get a look at it in person, but also, fuck, I want to get a look at that in person,” he said, and Kravitz nodded in agreement. He wasn’t sure how fast something like this would go, but if he had to guess, pretty damn fast.

“I should call and set up a time to look,” he said, and Taako nodded.

“It’s only like six, do it now before it gets too late,” he said, and Kravitz pulled out his phone. The conversation ended up being short but pleasant, and soon enough they had an appointment for a tour.

It was only  _ after _ all of that was set up did Kravitz realize something.

“Wait, shit, the show. We uh, we should probably tell them, right? If we end up actually liking the house and buying it without them there that would be  _ bad _ I think? Did we sign something saying we couldn’t do that?” Kravitz asked, and Taako winced at the realization as well.

“Call Halley,” he said. Wordlessly Kravitz followed that command, not looking forward to this in the slightest.

“Hello Halley, this is Kravitz,” he said.

“Hey Kravitz, is everything alright?” she asked, the annoyance not masked quite as well as it was when they were on camera. Considering that the last few times they’d called it had been to once again adjust their wants and need lists, he couldn’t blame her. 

She also sounded rather confused for some reason, but he had no idea why.

“Yeah, everything’s great. So, Taako and I were looking through some listings, and we actually found one we really liked, so we set up a tour. Is that um, is that allowed?” he asked, and he could almost feel the frustration through the phone.

“That’s- yes. That’s just fine. When is the tour? We’ll make sure to have film crew there and everything set up,” she said. Kravitz gave her the time and the address, trying to be as pleasant as possible.

As soon as he hung up Taako dissolved into a fit of giggles, and Kravitz raised an eyebrow in question.

“What’s going on now?” he asked, and Taako got a hold of himself, smiling brightly as he did.

“You forgot your accent dog,” he said.

“Shit, fucking- that’s why she sounded so confused,” he said, and Taako dissolved into even more giggles.

The film crew ended up being there on the day of the tour, and to Kravitz’s complete surprise, the place actually ended up looking better in person. He couldn’t find anything to complain about, except for the tiniest thing here and there that they could easily change to make it their own. Even Taako seemed happy with it. He spent an incredibly long time in the kitchen before deeming it ‘shit, I mean- shoot, this is actually real fuc _ \- damn it. _ Real flipping good!’

The more they liked it, the more annoyed Halley seemed to be. Which, Kravitz could understand. Considering they had found it without her help.

“Yeah uh, I think we want to put an offer down this time,” Kravitz said, kind of incredulous that they’d finally found something.

“No think about it. We’re def grabbing this bad boy up before someone else does,” Taako said, and Kravitz couldn’t tell if Halley looked more annoyed or relieved.

“Alright, we’ll put it in right away,” she said, and Kravitz figured it was an equal measure of the two.

A few days later, they got a call from her saying the offer had been accepted, and Kravitz supposed it didn’t matter at that point. They had the home they wanted, and that was all that was important.

**Author's Note:**

> this was a really fun request for lieutenantroux on tumblr! i love writing these boys and i really hope this is good! 
> 
> as always, thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed~


End file.
